then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Randomize
