Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
