but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
