Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Randomize
