I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Randomize
