Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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