I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Dignity is for republicans.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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