PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
