Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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