I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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