after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
So apparently I’m into choking now
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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