i mean i cnt help that this campus has the highest STI rate
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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