Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
