i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I could fuck to npr.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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