I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
