hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Randomize
