Sry I called you an 8
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
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What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
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I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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