The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
