Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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