im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
