I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
