It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
