man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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