when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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