Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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