I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
