oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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