ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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