So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
