grandma shit on top of the toilet
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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