I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Randomize
