Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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