God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
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