I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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