I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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