Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
