just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
