that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
40s are totally the cure
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
