wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
