I want to stick my p in your. b.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Randomize
