my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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