Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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