My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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