i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I smell like Dick and happiness
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
