I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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