I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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