while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
