i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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