She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Randomize
