Umm I'm too high to move.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
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The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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