Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
