Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
