I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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