I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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