I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
