Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
We smell like vodka and hangover
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