sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
