You just made me feel so damn special
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
