My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
