you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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