so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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