I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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