does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
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